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On Tuesday May 22, at 3:15 a.m. my 3 month baby was born.

I went to the emergency room monday evening because I was cramping and needed something.

They told me the miscarriage would be just like a heavy period with cramping. I TOLD HIM, he was probably crazy because I have already had TWO BABIES in TWO YEARS, I know my body....!

He sent me home with mild pain relievers and told me to take one every fours hours.

I went to Denny's instead with my step mom, and tried to keep my mind off the fact that I was inevitably going to give birth within the next forty-eight hours six months prematurely.

A friend of my stepmother's came to join us and we laughed over a few things here and there, I went to the bathroom to sob a few times, and I watched my step-mother be the colorful crassyness she always is.

We must have been there for about an hour, and I was getting REALLY uncomfortable and crampy.

They decided to take me to another hospital who would take better care of me, and on our way, I went into labor.

When I first went into the E.R., the doctor there was very abrupt and insisted on checking me before I was ready, I asked him over and over not to that I was having a contraction, and he did anyway. What happened? My water broke ALL over him... and he was VERY upset. I guess since it was bodily fluids he had to get get tests taken... I warned him.

I labored in full...contractions, screaming, and moaning for five hours...had I don't know how many cc's of Demerol injected into my body...before I gave birth to my 12 week old baby.

When I was in my room laboring with the baby and finally expelled it into the catch dish in the toilet, I asked the nurses if I could just pick it up out of the container we put it in, wash it off and see my baby, they looked at me like I has something green coming out of my nose.

I did it anyway and saw that my little one was not ever going to survive anything other than death.

I didn't see any legs or arms or head...just a long two inch body with wrinkled skin and everything else that comes out of the body with it. All the bones and arms and legs were internal...

And I had some release and I had some closure.

In the hospital I was at, they put a picture of a little green leaf floating in still water with a droplet on your door to mark you as mourning a baby. I had a few people come in, but mostly I was left alone until my dad came in to spend some time with me. It was very very lonely, Jay is in Montana and he finally found a way to come out.

I didn't have much sleep because the hospital had decided to do a fire alarm test at 7:00 a.m., and I didn't get to sleep until 4:00 am, so I was very tired all day.

I am pretty sure when they realized I was Medicaid Montana... they released me a day early, but I am glad that I could go home and start my grieving process. It all feels like a dream and I am wondering when I am going to wake up.

For now, I am waiting for Jay to get in this weekend. He has been torn these past few days and needs his mourning time, too... I think he feels incredibly guilty that he couldn't be here when it happened. I am proud that I have someone so loving, that they can unconditionally love their unborn child not meant to be, too.


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Last Updated March 4, 2003 2:26 AM