|On Tuesday May 22,
at 3:15 a.m. my 3 month baby was born.
I went to the emergency room monday evening because I was cramping and needed something.
They told me the miscarriage would be just like a heavy period with cramping. I TOLD HIM, he was probably crazy because I have already had TWO BABIES in TWO YEARS, I know my body....!
He sent me home with mild pain relievers and told me to take one every fours hours.
I went to Denny's instead with my step mom, and tried to keep my mind off the fact that I was inevitably going to give birth within the next forty-eight hours six months prematurely.
A friend of my stepmother's came to join us and we laughed over a few things here and there, I went to the bathroom to sob a few times, and I watched my step-mother be the colorful crassyness she always is.
We must have been there for about an hour, and I was getting REALLY uncomfortable and crampy.
They decided to take me to another hospital who would take better care of me, and on our way, I went into labor.
When I first went into the E.R., the doctor there was very abrupt and insisted on checking me before I was ready, I asked him over and over not to that I was having a contraction, and he did anyway. What happened? My water broke ALL over him... and he was VERY upset. I guess since it was bodily fluids he had to get get tests taken... I warned him.
I labored in full...contractions, screaming, and moaning for five hours...had I don't know how many cc's of Demerol injected into my body...before I gave birth to my 12 week old baby.
I did it anyway and saw that my little one was not ever going to survive anything other than death.
I didn't see any legs or arms or head...just a long two inch body with wrinkled skin and everything else that comes out of the body with it. All the bones and arms and legs were internal...
And I had some release and I had some closure.
In the hospital I was at, they put a picture of a little green leaf floating in still water with a droplet on your door to mark you as mourning a baby. I had a few people come in, but mostly I was left alone until my dad came in to spend some time with me. It was very very lonely, Jay is in Montana and he finally found a way to come out.
I didn't have much sleep because the hospital had decided to do a fire alarm test at 7:00 a.m., and I didn't get to sleep until 4:00 am, so I was very tired all day.
I am pretty sure when they realized I was Medicaid Montana... they released me a day early, but I am glad that I could go home and start my grieving process. It all feels like a dream and I am wondering when I am going to wake up.
For now, I am waiting
for Jay to get in this weekend. He has been torn these past few days
and needs his mourning time, too... I think he feels incredibly guilty
that he couldn't be here when it happened. I am proud that I have someone
so loving, that they can unconditionally love their unborn child not
meant to be, too.
Last Updated March 4, 2003 2:26 AM